Jarrod’s Life

 It’s March Madness time, which means everyone is talking about seeds and Cinderellas and brackets. This is pretty much my most favorite time of the year, except for maybe when my birthday falls on Thanksgiving - which it does in 2008. Nothing like eating all kinds of homemade food and then having an excuse to party for a couple days straight.

But I digress.

The vast majority of the discussion in March centers on the Men’s NCAA Tournament and for good reason. After all, people actually WATCH and ATTEND men’s basketball games. You know, since they’re actually exciting and play a pretty entertaining brand of basketball.

 On the other side, you have women’s basketball, which generally serves as a pathetic attempt at playing the grand game of roundball. Sure, the girls can shoot better these days and every once in a blue moon, some freak girl will come along who can actually touch the rim without a trampoline. But in most cases, it’s like watching 5th and 6th grade intramurals. There’s layups, there’s heaves from eight feet away, there’s jump shots at the free-throw line, there’s point guards who weave in and out of traffic with the ease of a rhino - it’s just not entertaining.

 Basketball fundamentals are important, granted. But they go hand in hand with athleticism. The fact is, no matter how well Candace Parker (Tennessee women’s star) can dribble or make the right pass or show good form on a jumpshot, if you took 5 Candace Parkers - a junior who is the best women’s player in college bar none - and matched them up against 5 Eric Gordons - one of the very best freshmen guards in men’s ball - the Gordons would win every single time and probably by about 40 points each time.

In fact, I would wager on a good high school men’s team beating Tennessee or Connecticut women’s teams easily almost every time. It’s just not the same game and not the same skill level folks.

Somehow, St. Patrick’s Day has snuck up on me this year. Must be all those hours at work, because I was STUNNED that it was already here. Normally, St. Patty’s is one of the holidays I celebrate with much revelry and drinking.

This year was no different.

I joined with my favorite partner in crime Beckie for some pre-game drinking at Tickets in Covington, which is conveniently situated near a church. Stay classy. We had some food there, watched some basketball, and enjoyed the sight of our waitress proudly displaying her DDD-chest in pretty much the worst revealing top ever. Seriously, it was horrendous. I always advocate the theory of dressing to fit your body type - which is why you don’t see me parading around in tank tops or bicycle shorts. It’s just about being considerate folks.

Anyway, from there we headed to Zola. Now for those of you rolling your eyes and saying “Of course you did,” I’ll have you know that it had been several weeks since my last outing at Mainstrasse. Just sayin’. More drinks were had there, including me having an Irish Car Bomb with Tony. Now THAT’S a shot boys and girls. I couldn’t convince Beckie to have one, but we both enjoyed plenty of Miller Lites and Jack n’ Diets by the time the night was over. The keyboard-sporting band Just Gravy even came through by finally playing “Pina Colada” after many previous requests by Ms. Barker and unfulfilled promises to play it during other appearances.

(At the risk of turning people away, I decided to put another piece of writing on here. I’ll bring more of the funny soon enough.)

I miss feeling Her warmth next to me in bed at night. We used to lay for hours together, our arms around each other to shield out the world. Sleep was replaced by long, soft kisses and sweet words that danced from our lips. Even when I did sleep, I could feel Her as if Her body was my own, a shared heartbeat and spirit.

Now, my hand caresses the sheets, tracing the lines where a faint reminder of Her shape remains. Closing my eyes, I try to summon those thoughts and feelings, attempting to recreate what was. Yet, all that remains is the smooth silk and the cool breeze flowing through the open window, no one there to complete the shell.

I miss Tuesday nights on the couch snuggled next to Her. When She would lay across my lap, my arm cupped Her head, cradling Her softly in my arms. My other arm sat just above Her knee, slowly gliding up and down Her leg from time to time. Each time Her chest took a breath, I could feel the same gust of air filling me.

Today I sit in a chair across the room, my eyes watching our ghosts of yesterday. The couch remains empty, a lifeless form existing with no purpose. When I come home each day, the glassless mirror calls for me, a teasing wail that my sanity will only let me refuse if I listen to its words.

I miss walks in the park on summer afternoons. Those days were a timeless existence where we stood alone in our togetherness. Yesterday meant nothing and tomorrow was a mirage. Each time She held my hand tighter than before as we strolled past the river, the gleam of a present heaven blinding our eyes with each closer step.

Here I am by the water’s edge with only a rose to slide in my hand and twist between my fingers. My strength only allows me to come at night, leaving the daytime paradise to the deserving souls. The dark water calms just as well as the light – except the hurt remains without the influx of hope and promises of salvation.

I miss dinners in the dim lights of the finest restaurants. Seated in a booth removed from the world, our eyes looked upon one another, my hand brushing aside Her hair from Her cheek and rubbing across the smoothest silken skin. I spent hundreds of days peering into Her eyes in those booths, and could have spent thousands more.

These days my evenings are spent at my own table, looking at the other chairs in succession for hours. My only dinners are single tables in the center of the dining room, stroking the napkin in hopes that it might become Her hand. But the lamp is nowhere to be found.

I miss the love, the passion, the unbridled sense of belonging that She gave me everytime my eyes laid upon her and She returned my gaze with the smile to brighten all the towers of Heaven.

I miss Her.

I miss You.

In case you are not aware, the White Death is upon us and many (some?) of you will be waking up to a site like this Saturday morning. Some people are saying we’ll get up to 15 inches of snow in some parts. Not quite sure I believe that part, but I’ll say this - we’re gonna get a damn lot of powder.

 Get your water, get your milk, get your bread - it could be time to bunker down, kids. It’s going to be a long weekend ahead. Will you survive? Will I? Will this blog?

 Only time will tell.

Keanu and Goldblum told me they wanted to see something funny up on my blog since it had been a while and since I didn’t have anything on the tip of my tongue, I decided to steal a survey from Logan and fill it out. Hope you guys enjoy.

1. How long do you spend in the shower? About 15 minutes - though that could be cut down again if I ever get back to shave my head again.

2. Name something a football player wears under his uniform? Most guys wear shoulder pads, sometimes a cup and thigh pads, maybe even protective padding around their ribs. However, if you’ve ever seen “The Last Boy Scout” you’ll realize that some guys holster a pistol just in case they can’t shake that guy down the sideline.

3. Name something people hate to find on their windshield. Notes that say “Sorry I bumped your car, have a good one man.”

4. Name something a man might buy before a date. I guess if he’s feelin’ froggy he could buy some condoms, but I’m a pretty conservative guy. I just go for the dental dam.

5. What’s another word for blemish? Hmmm, perhaps an unsightly pimple on wedding day.

6. Something you’d cook in the microwave. Hell, what can’t you cook in a microwave these days? Seems like you can cook steak and shit in there now. The best though are the Lean Cuisine pizzas where the cheese bubbles over and becomes one with the box.

7. Name a piece of furniture people need help moving. I’ll tell you, a sectional couch is a bitch.

8. Name a reason a younger man might like an older woman. There’s plenty of reasons for that, especially if she’s a hot high school sexetary who sunbathes out on the front steps on her lunch. Just sayin’.

9. Name something a dog does that embarrasses its owner. Um, nothing? Seriously, dog owners are like perpetual infant parents. Anything the dog does is like the cutest thing ever. “Oh, look, he peed on your ear - that means he likes you!”

10. Name a kind of test you cannot study for. That damn defensive driving test those bastards give you after too many tickets.

11. Name something a boy scout gets a badge for. Fellatio?

12. Name a phrase with the word ‘Home’ in it? Homestand…booyah

13. Name a sport where players lose teeth? Well, women’s basketball is pretty BADASS so that must be it.

14. Name something a teacher can do to ruin a student’s day? Having a ruler thrown at me usually sucked pretty bad.

15. What is a way you can tell someone has been crying? If they keep sniffing like they just did a couple lines, that’s a dead giveaway.

16. Name something found at a Séance? Desperate people

17. Name a bird you wouldn’t want to eat? Big Bird - that’d be frightful for my psyche man

18. Name something that gets folded? A rectangle school pizza

19. Name something a person wears even if it has a hole in it? Guys underwear. Yeah, come on, we’re guilty. Girls do it too, though, but usually only if they’re absolutely 100% certain they’re not hooking up with anyone that night.

20. Name something that gets smaller the more you use it? My patience.

It’s alright, folks. You can leave the churches and end your praying for me. I’m back and getting healthier. Got some better meds and they’re already vastly improving my condition. To borrow a gimmick from “The Legend Killer” himself, I am now back up to 79% and rising.

I guess I should take this opportunity to catch up a little bit. As much as I would like to avoid mentioning Indiana’s egg-laying in East Lansing yesterday, it’s only fair to mention when the Hoosiers falter since I hype them a bit. I’d love to give some kind of expert insight or blame it on the whole Kelvin Sampson fiasco, but the fact is, Michigan State shot like 80% from the field in the first half. At home. On Senior Day. That’s really all you need to know.

Is it just me or was that a pretty damn good episode of Lost on Thursday night? I’m not always big on the episodes that don’t have a strong mix of Jack/Kate/Locke/Sawyer because I feel those are the strongest, most well developed characters, but this one worked because of Desmond. Henry Ian Cusick just does a phenomenal job with the emotions of Desmond, and his story is almost as interesting as the Big Four for me. The storyline involving Desmond and Penny has been handled so carefully and has been made to feel so special to the viewers, all while not being really forced upon us. This was another example of it.

Just wanted to let you guys know that I’ve been sick the last couple days, so I haven’t really been in the mood to blog. Hopefully I’ll be back up and running on Wednesday.

The dark lord has been banished.

Okay, maybe that’s a little melodramatic, but Hoosier Nation did get some good news yesterday when Kelvin Sampson finally resigned as head coach of the Indiana basketball team. As part of the agreement, Sampson will receive a $750,000 buyout - money he has absolute no right to - and agrees not to sue the school for anything related to his being nudged out. The official release from the school said $500,000 of the buyout came from an anonymous donor. I wouldn’t be surprised if Kent Benson, Ted Kitchel and a few of the other IU legends who were calling for Sampson’s dismissal banded together to cover the fee.

Early on there were reports that players were planning to protest if Sampson was removed and were threatening to sit out. Then six of the players ended up skipping practice yesterday afternoon, including star forward D.J. White. However, the Indy Star reported that all 13 IU players boarded the team plane today for tonight’s game against Northwestern and that all were in attendance for a walkthrough last night around 9 p.m. as well. So much for the “mutiny” that many people were reporting.

No matter what happens the rest of this year or who leaves or which recruits go somewhere else, this was a good day for IU basketball.

After seeing the comedy show last week, I’m thinking about picking up the mic myself and performing at a Go Banana’s Pro-Am Night sometime this month or next. People have always told me I’m funny and that I would be a good stand-up comic and the thought has crossed my mind before, but I always sort of was hesitant because most of my “jokes” are sarcastic one-liners or inside jokes that only either my close friends or co-workers would really get. I wasn’t sure my material could really hold up in front of a crowd.

However, I’m thinking I might as well give it a try for fun one night at least. You only get around 5 minutes anyway, so I’m sure I can easily fill that time with a well-timed version of the Condom Story along with some tales about Justin Anderson and his velcro shows and/or DirecTV call center stories. Those are priceless man. Plus, to be able to perform, you have to bring at least 5 people with you anyway, so I know I’ll at least have some support there by rule.

So that begs the question - who wants to be in my Fave Five?

The Enquirer’s John Fay is reporting that Josh Fogg has agreed to a one-year deal with the Reds, per a report in the Rocky Mountain News. The righty pitched for the NL champion Colorado Rockies last season and went 10-9 with a 4.94 ERA. In 16 starts away from the launching pad that is Coors Field, Fogg’s ERA dropped to 4.15 as well.

Fogg’s 31 and it’s a one-year deal that’s supposedly pretty cheap, so why not give him a shot at the rotation. I would guess this closes the book on acquiring Joe Blanton at this point, which depending on your perspective, could be considered a good thing. In his six full MLB seasons, Fogg has consistently been just under league average in terms of ERA and has yet to post a 200-inning season, but he might not be a bad backup option in case the young guns implode (which I highly doubt will happen).

If we keep our fingers crossed, maybe he’ll bring those wicked ass sideburns along for the ride.